Passion: What is it?

For some reason I believed I could have passion in my life. Passion. What is this passion some people describe as a wonderful thing? The dictionary describes it as “any powerful or compelling feeling or emotion”. Do I feel any powerful or compelling feeling or emotion towards anything? Other than my weird beliefs, no. I’m lost. I’ve lost my soul, my emotions. I’ve lost everything I’ve ever wanted or needed in this life. Will I ever find myself again, and when if I do, will i ever be able to find passion? Something to love or loath? Some purpose at all? Or will it find me?

Confusing “Theory” if You May Want to Call It That.

I haven’t written anything in a while. Guess I haven’t been up to it. I wouldn’t say I’ve been soulless this whole time, but I could say i was pretty near it. Had a person in my life that wasn’t good for me, destroyed me emotionally, did me so wrong, it broke my heart. I have moved on quickly from it, it’s been a few months and I seem regenerated, whole or at least getting there.

I’ve met new people that at some points led me to believe that the world is crap and that there is no hope. But I’ve also met people who have led me to believe quite the opposite. I think I might have this new philosophy that everyone seems to be having a bit of bad luck cause that’s what they expect from life. Expect less so that you won’t be disappointed in the end.

Guess I really don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe I wanna tell the world to have a little more faith in people and in themselves. Maybe I wanna point out to the people that don’t notice how they harm others the fact that they need to open there eyes especially since there attitudes are what make this world how it is.

The world seems hopeless when you’re simply one person who sees different from the rest. But I’ll have faith that there are others out there that want to see the positive side of things. I have to have faith. I have to believe in something. I have to trust.

Sick for a While Now

I’ve over slept, two days in a row. It’s insanely weird, I usually sleep four to six hours intermittently. I’ve slept 10 hours these two days, I had to obligate myself out of bed today. I’m intoxicated, I’ve been sick for a while now. I was hospitalized back in April and then I disappeared from the phase of Puerto Rico. I was getting better, I lost thirty pounds out of the forty this sickness made me gain. I’m feeling weak again. Muscle pain, bone pain, back pain, ovary pain, head pain, any kind of pain you can imagine. I can’t take this energy less anemic crap. I need it back, I’m a hyper active person with energy failure. I need it back, I feel depressive and not myself when my sickness tries to attack. Help. I can barely move.

If I could find the cure for what I have, in a heart beat I’d work with it. What have I done to deserve this. Was I that horrible in my past lives, have I not learned my lesson, or have I learned and I’m simply receiving punishment for the past. I guess I’ll have to live with it, living sick for a while.

In the Mood

I have animal instincts. I’m a human. I can fall for this flesh desire that comes with this body. We tend to not care for the body’s needs, it’s desires. What I desire, what I need is so tempting, so lip biting, so intense. I need your warmth, your body, I need the hair on my arms to stand up. I need your hand going slowly down through my back, making me closer to you. I need you to take the hair out of my face and kiss me, such a passionate kiss, intense, rough but soft at the same time. I want an arousing kiss that’ll make our bodies wrestle and fight for what just seems right. I desire your teeth ripping at my lips softly. I desire soft caresses that turn into aggressive movements of sweet glory. The sound of our breathing synchronized, gasping for air. Let myself go, have fun. I want this to turn into a cat and dog chase of scratches and bites. I want this now. This desire of our bodies meeting, of our hormones interacting, of our differences coming together. I night of fun. I simply want you.

the essence

I have been missing the essence of ValeWale for quite a while now.  Who am I? I am perfect just the way I am, I am human, I commit mistakes.  When i put my mind to something that I really want, I do what it takes to get it done. I am a 19-year-old confused adolescent girl who loves to love people. I am codependent with everyone in the world, I need everyone to be happy. I am hyper. I think inappropriate thoughts all the time. I laugh at the most silly things, the things nobody finds funny. I’m very outgoing but shy at the same time. I can’t say what I feel because I’m always afraid, the essence of me has turn into fear.  People have always seen me as fearless, but the only thing I fear is what I feel.

I’m a hypocrite, a liar. I believe in things that I do not practice in my life. I hide every little thing that might let people judge me. I only give enough information for them to think that I am someone I am not.

I miss the care free VW who used to do things she believed in, even if they were the silliest things.  I miss the feeling of the truth, when I didn’t hide things from myself or anyone else, I want to be the old me. The real me.

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Recomendación de la Psicóloga

Bueno, el jueves pasado fuí a donde mi psicóloga y entre muchos temas que tocamos también tocamos el tema de las parejas. Mientras hablábamos de mis relaciones fracasadas ella me preguntó como a mí me gustaría que mi hombre ideal fuera.  Me dijo que hiciera una lista con las cualidades que me gustaría que tuviera mi hombre ideal.

He aquí la lista de cualidades que debe de tener mi hombre “ideal”:

- inteligente – ¿Cómo no voy a tener un hombre inteligente? Necesito a alguien que entienda lo que yo quiero decir cuando digo mis disparates, cuando ni yo misma me entienda.

- divertido – ¿Quién no querría una pareja divertida? Tiene que saber como entretenerme y dejarme queriendo más.

- gracioso – Una pareja que sepa cuando decir chistes y hacerte reír siempre es bueno.

- creativo – Ideas nuevas para no aburrirme siempre son bienvenidas.  No podría vivir en lo mismo todo el tiempo, no me gustan las rutinas.

- social – No puede ser un antipático sin amistades que no sabe como interactuar con humanos. ¿Cómo interactuaría conmigo si no tiene base social?

- independiente – Yo no soy madre de nadie para ser niñera.

- “open minded” – Abierto a ideas nuevas. No quisiera una persona que no pueda cambiar de opinión o que no esté dispuesto a hacer algo diferente.

- pasivo – No puede estar buscando peleas por ahí. Bueno, no es como si no se puede enfogonar ni nada, por que quiero que mi pareja ideal sea humano, pero no es para estar buscando peleas y cosas así.

- amoroso/cariñoso – Obviamente me tiene que dar cariño.  No voy a quedarme sin mis abrazos. Eso sí, sea la madre de los lapas, no quiero ningún lapa.

- positivo – Una persona negativa no llegará a ningún lado. La gente positiva envía vibras positivas y reciben más vibras positivas.

- ambicioso – No quiero cualquier perdedor de la calle.

Por supuesto que todo esto no vale nada si no hay química y no hay cosas en común.  Para mí la química es lo más importante de todo, por ahí es donde empieza todo. Si no hay química no hay nada.

The Law of Attraction

Do you believe in the law of attraction? Cause I sure as hell do. For a while now I’ve been thinking that everything that can go wrong with my car will go wrong with my car. I’ve decided I’m gonna do the opposite and I’m going to take care of my car like if he were a king.

This blog dedicated to Sir Carl White Rodríguez.

Here is list of the things that have happened to my car up until now while in my possession. Of course I might be forgetting a few. I tried to put them in order but I really can’t remember the order.

- 2 flat tires both on the same day and the same place (left front tire)
- fucked up the fuse box
- tail lights stopped working
- brake lights stopped working
- radio stopped working
- a/c broken (various times)
- driver’s window got dislocated and stuck inside the door (it was a miracle that it didn’t break
- headlights stopped working
- beam lights stopped working
- battery kept dying
- it has a shitload of dents and scraps from the college’s parking lot >=( (bunch of hits and runs, sill little hits but still it pisses me off)
- los polos de la bateria (no se como decirlo en ingles jiji)
- it started raining while I was putting the plastic bag on “stuck inside the door window”
- I decided to put the car in the garage just in case it rained (my mom’s suv is always there) and the day that i decide to put my car there the only day, the ceiling’s plastering falls on my car and leaves a dent on the hood.

Uno de Esos Días

Siento como baja por mi cuerpo.  Empieza a salir en sitios raros e inesperados. Está en mi frente, en mi cuello, en mi espalda y en mi pecho.  No quiero que nadie se me acerque, me doy asco.  No me soporto. Quiero correr.  Siento algo en el ambiente, se siente mas fuerte que nunca.  Siento un coraje intenso.  Quiero romper algo, quitarme la ropa, me asfixio.  Necesito agua, tengo sed.  ME MUERO DEL FUCKING CALOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRR!!!

Solo para decir que hacía un calor cabrón hoy, ultra insoportable, y que hoy no fue un buen día, el calor me tenía con coraje y rabia.

>: ( growl.

Insomnia

Late nights, tosses and turns, great frights, can’t sleep.  I feel a shadow creepying up behind me, I get chills.  My skin prickles.  My mind just runs and runs.  Can’t stop thinking of everything that happens, the good things the bad things.  So tired and I can’t breath right.  I feel this pain in my chest, it has no reason for coming.  I feel an anxiety attack coming.  MUST SLEEP.  It’s too hot, too cold, too dry, too humid.  I hear something and then there is nothing.  Nothing is left, nothing is stopping me from getting my sleep, my energy.  I stare at the ceiling.  I look at the floor, move a little more.  Take off the covers, put it back on.  Grab a pillow, let it go.  I look at the time. SHIT! it’s 3:02 am, got to wake up at 6, 3 hours left.  I look at the bottle of pills, I talk to it.  ”Why won’t you work for me?!”  Here it comes again, chest pain.  My head hurts, my mind keeps running.  What should I do?  Where should I go?  Will I accomplish it?  Will I fail?  More thoughts pop into my head.  They turn into blank dreams. AHHH! I wake up screaming.  My mother doesn’t come anymore.  I can’t remember what I was screaming about, another blank dream.  I look at the time. FUCK! it’s still 3:43 am.  4:19 am, it repeats itself. 4:54 am, again. 5:44 am and again. 7:55 am, i look at the time, CRAP!